I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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