I CAN MOONWALK!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
