drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
