dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
