Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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