Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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