I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
