we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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