therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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