If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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