Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
