I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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