I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
