Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
