Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
