Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
