I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
