after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
