I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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