Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
