you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
