Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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