Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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