I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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