Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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