your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
