A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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