Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
