While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
