cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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