woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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