I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
