worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
