She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
