i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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