I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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