did you get engaged???
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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