I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the day after is always just damage control
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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