The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How naked do you want me to be?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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