Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
