Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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