my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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