dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
