just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
