and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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