The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
