bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
