Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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