so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
