He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
