I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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